Operation Lockdown

I’ve become a pretty open book. There are probably two, perhaps three, areas of my life that I will not under any circumstances divulge. Otherwise, if you ask (and sometimes if you don’t), I’ll tell you almost anything you want to know. For real.

But I was talking to one of my friends today and was reminded that I can’t always be that open, because there are some things that you can’t trust people with. First off, no that person did not stab me in the back. We were talking about guys (what else, right?) and she was, like, “Make sure you’re careful with who you talk about this to.” It got me kind of worried, to the effect of, “Have I been saying a bunch of stuff about it that I don’t recall or mentioning it in mixed company?”

Her reply? “You always have to be more cautious than you think you do.” So, I really don’t know what kind of answer that was in regards to my question, but it was a useful one all the same. I’m considering pushing the issue further, but I’m not entirely sure. I guess this is really a short post, but it’s a reminder to myself because being cautious is something I’ve tried to leave behind. I used to be too cautious, and it left me seeming rude, disengaged, and overall snobby, when really I just didn’t want to embarrass myself. Now, though, I’ve gotten past that (mostly), but almost to an opposite extreme.

For the record, I’m also trying to reinforce the whole, “I will be the crazy pet rock lady,” into my head because, quite frankly, most guys are idiots… Kinda. I’m really blessed to have some awesome guy friends, and I’m trying to teach myself that if I have those kind of friends, you don’t need to enter the whole dating drama, because guy friends are just as awesome with much less emotional chaos attached. AND they’re the kind of people who give you hope that decent men exist. I know that may sound drastic, but after all the crap stories you hear about men, I’m glad to have made some friends that prove otherwise. So Caleb, Chris, Tim, Tom, Josh, Ozzy, and Zak (not that any of you will ever read this): THANK YOU for being my friends and for proving that not all guys are butt-heads. It’s encouraging to us single girls out there that there may be a decent guy show up yet (and I know I’m not the only one saying that, because I had this conversation last night with another single friend of mine).  

Unfortunately, that’s not working so far. I really, really, REALLY (I don’t think you can possibly understand how strong that really is) want to find a man that I am going to spend the rest of my life with. But for now, God, please help me be thankful for the amazing friends (guy and gal) I have, my family, and You, because I need those to be enough right now. Thank you. 

The Fish Tank of Life

Can you imagine being a fish?

I mean, really?

I think there are two types of fish. I know you can argue freshwater versus saltwater versus estuary inhabitants, but really, there are just two types: those stuck in a tank, and those swimming free. You could use this analogy with almost any domesticated animal, but I think fish are the best examples. Cats, dogs, horses, etc., can often live in environments that mix the two – horses have pastures instead of being stuck in a stable, dogs can run around town or out in the country much like their wild counterparts, and cats are often outdoor pets, living in barns and hunting to survive. I also seriously considered birds, but there’s so much variety there that I couldn’t justify it. You have flying birds and grounded birds and aquatic birds… They’re different enough that they almost deserve separate qualifications. Fish are fish. Some are carnivores, some are herbivores, and they live in different depths, but there is one striking similarity: they all live in the water.

I read someone else’s blog post today, and it was all about being the best, and I was thinking, “Hm… What’s something I’ve been thinking about lately that can be kinda philosophical?” Then I looked at my fish tank (I have two betta fish named Haku- from Spirited Away- and Howl- from Howl’s Moving Castle. They live in a divided tank, and they’re absolutely beautiful to watch.), and it hit me.

I’ve been in this constant turmoil about my major and what kind of job I want to work in, and I can TOTALLY relate to the blog I read about wanting to be the best, because I do. I really do. I could go into the debate of being the best versus being my best, but I feel like they both approach the same thing. Once you reach your best at that moment, you find that you can always be better, because there is always someone out there that is greater than you, and if you keep learning, you’ll get closer and closer to being the best because your best will just keep growing. Does that make sense? So yes, I believe in being your best, but even that’s not a solid goal because you are always changing, and the best you can be at one moment is not necessarily the best you can be… Ever.

I’m afraid of being the fish that’s trapped in the tank. I don’t want to be that betta that sits in its little environment never knowing that there’s an entire ocean out there to explore. I don’t want to see the same dragon tears and fish flakes every day for the rest of my life. I want to go out and swim where my life may take me, in spite of the sharks, misleading currents, and murky depths I encounter. If I live in my fish tank, it’s a lot safer to just exist, but I’m too easily bored. But I do like the security of knowing that I have a fish tank and some blood worms with my name on them. I want to find a career where I can mix my ocean and my fish tank, kind of like a clown fish with its anemone. I wanna just keep swimming, swimming, swimming… But always have a place to come home to that I know is home. Now I just have to find a major that will put me in a field where that exists. If anyone has any ideas, let me know.

P.S. Judging by my view of fish, I’m thinking marine biology’s not the way to go. XP 

Some New Lessons

I actually began considering this blog when I realized how much I've already learned or begun to learn in the last month. Yeah, I've been a college student for almost a month. It's a bit scary. I would preface this with a little about myself, but that can wait, I think .For now, I just want to talk about lessons. I can't promise I've learned how to put these lessons into practice, but they are things I've realized or been taught.

1. I need to look up more; where you look when you walk tends to correlate with your opinions of yourself. Looking up helps you feel better about yourself or conversely, the better you feel about yourself, the more you look up.
2. It is ok to let your hair down. You don't have to be Miss Serious all the time, even when you're in public. That just makes people think you dislike them or are a killjoy. It's okay to laugh, joke, and be silly around other people, even if you don't know them very well. 
3. Dancing's the most fun when you pretend no one is looking.
4. Guy friends are the best, sometimes. They're really good at making you laugh or smile without meaning to, and they'd be really useful to have when you need to kill wasps.
5. God hears you. Lately I've felt like my prayers were going to the ceiling, but when you earnestly seek Him, he will answer.
6. Notation is important in Calculus, and Dr. Poet will take major points if you don't use it properly.
7. Meeting people really isn't as scary as it seems. It's okay to sit down, say hi to strangers (though not creepers) and invite them to talk to or play games with you; you really don't seem as weird as you think you do. Sometimes, they'll say yes. Other times, they'll think you're nuts.
8. When people think you're nuts, it's okay, because you very well might be. But it's you, and there's no reason to hide it for their benefit. Maybe they could use the companionship too. 
9. Laughter really can be the cure all, but chocolate never hurts.
10. You should actually be friends with sleep. It helps when you have class in the morning.
11. You have to believe you're beautiful or sexy before someone else does. Looking down on yourself accomplishes nothing.
12. Scotch tape does not hold paint-coated posterboard up. Period.
13. Ratslap is best played in the basement after quiet hours. Getting yelled at is no fun.
14. Homecooked food, even if it's just mac 'n' cheese is sometimes exactly what he doctor ordered.
15. Being involved doesn't make you look like a dweeb, and if someone thinks so, then it's their loss. Don't not do things just because people might find them silly. You want involved friends anyway.
16. If you like a guy, don't be nervous around him. Yes, I knew I shouldn't act nervous, but I always was. Now I'm realized that they're just people. Whatever happens happens.
17. People can be stupid, but you'd be lost without them in your life.

So... Yeah. There's something you can know about me that I either didn't know or wasn't willing to practice 'til I got here. And I'm not entirely good at them all yet, but I'm hoping to get closer. Oh, and seventeen's one of my two favorite numbers. This was originally 20, but I liked 17 better.