Honduras

1. Just landed!
2. Oh my God. This place is beautiful.
3. I feel like a fish out of water, but I’ll be damned if I don’t learn how to swim on land.
4. I love everyone I have had the privilege to meet here.
5. “We love you even when you don’t understand.” Ana and Molvin almost made me cry.
6. Never did I think I would get to say, “We’re all gonna die, to Javier’s driving. Victory is mine.
7. There is something special about these people
8. Confession: I really enjoy dancing… By myself. In my room. Where no one can see me. I really suck at it. XD
9. I got to see Javier and the group dance on stage! Saw most through a camera while videoing, but I made sure to look up so I could see it for real (Sorry about the shaky footage!). It was also Francisco’s first time dancing on stage.
10. This is the only time you will hear me say a word about this. I am so frustrated. I wish I understood what was happening, but I can’t. And I wish the others didn’t have to use English just because of me. I want to be able to tell these amazing people just how amazing they are, but I don’t know how.
11. I love knowledge and the pursuit of it, but I would rather have a kind heart any day.
12. To all those I call my brother, sister, or close friend: I give a crap. When you’re exhausted, sad, frustrated, worried, excited… I care. Sometimes I suck at listening or miss a text, but know that I love you. The things you tell me when you’re crying or when you’ve had it up to here… I remember them because they’re important to you. There’s a reason that I keep popcorn on hand (because it makes you feel better like nothing else does); that I poke fun at the sounds you make crying on the phone (because it makes you laugh and forget what’s going on, just for a second); that I don’t hug you when you cry (because it only makes you cry harder); and so many other little things.. I’m here and I love you. Thank you for always being there. I’m honestly not sure what I would do without you in my life.
13. I hate seeing the people I care about all stressed out, upset, and exhausted. Especially when I can do nothing to help.
14. Holy cow! I’ve been here for more than a week. Time goes by SO fast.
15. So… I danced. More than once. And it was a lot of fun!
16. Tonight brought back so many good memories…Atol (I think that’s what it was called) is this really creamed, smooth corn soup/mush… It reminds me of my papa. Fresh corn anything was my childhood. I know they didn’t mean to bring back all the memories, but I’m so glad they did. J
17. Wow. Tonight’s my last night in La Esperanza. This has been, without a doubt, one of my favorite experiences in life so far, and I got to share it with a friend (well, really… He shared it with me. Thank you, Javier!).
18. I have always hated goodbyes, but watching them hurt someone else…. Sucks. L
19. A mis amigos de Honduras, no pude hablar con ustedes cuando fui alla, pero les quiero. Gracias por su Amistad, especialmente cuando no entendi. Nunca lo olvide.

Overload Extreme

This semester is crazy. Crazy.

• I am taking 17 credit hours, which is more than I have ever taken at one time.
• I am in a position similar to that of an RA, but instead I'm working with residents on academic things. It's A LOT less stress and fewer hours, but it's still new and time-consuming.
• I live in the freshman building to do that job. Talk about chaos.
• I also started a second job, also new, in the tutoring center on campus. I work there 11 hours per week.
• Now let's add one more thing. I am designing (EEP! :D) costumes for the first time this semester, which means a lot of research hours and a weekly production meeting, plus the physical act of pulling costumes and (heaven forbid) making them. 

I don't know our staff very well, but I've made a couple friends. One staff member lived on campus this summer as well, so we became pretty good friends, and I had my friend Nicole on campus too, which was good. But now that my best friends are back on campus, I really just want to spend time with them, but I can't. And Summer-friend feels like I have a grudge against being in Scanlon when two of my best friends were placed on V-Hall staff which, to be honest, I guess I do. Because I'm not actually an RA, I don't feel like I fit in with the others, but I'm still here, so I feel alone a lot. And it's only been three class days, but I'm already stressed and haven't seen my best friends, and I'm super terrified that I'm going to lose them, and I just want time with them. But they rarely text me, and I don't want to be that creepy needy friend. I keep hoping they'll text me occasionally too, but they don't. I don't know if it's just because they're as busy as I am or if they're just all together, so my absence isn't a huge deal... I miss them a lot. And I can't even vent about it in real life because it hurts Summer-friend's feelings (which I totally understand and don't want to do, because she is my friend). So instead I'm sitting in my room at 2:30 in the morning crying because I feel like I'm going to lose all of my non-freshman/non-math/non-theatre friends this semester, and it kills me. And it feels like it's already started. 

Sorry this is so whiny. I just don't know where to vent, and this seemed like the safest place to go because Nicole and Rachel are the only people who follow me, so it's not like anyone else will see it. Haha. 

Good night guys. 

So much crazy, so little time...

This summer is easily one of the most chaotic and amazing in my life thus far. So far, I have registered for classes, begun research, ridden in an airplane, left the Midwest for the first time, and seen the ocean, and it's only just June. But that may have actually been the calm part.

The next few weeks should be really chill. Doing math, hanging out with friends... The norm. But I also may get to see Idina Menzel (birthday present), I will turn 19, and I will start summer classes, which will bring me into July. From there, I will continue research; possibly be a part of a missions team in Kansas City doing Vacation Bible Schools for inner-city kids; go to Chicago with my mom, niece and cousins; and then the current plan is to depart for Honduras at the start of August, returning two days before RA training and the start of a new school year. I only wish I knew that it would all come together. The things I can guarantee are classes, research, and Chicago, and Honduras (buying my ticket this week! EEK!).

I can't believe how much is happening and how fast everything moving... It's crazy, but completely exciting. Talk to you later!

Inked

I want a tattoo.
I want a tattoo.
I WANT A TATTOO.


That's more or less all I've been thinking lately. My biggest problem? I have no idea what I want. Something Harry Potter related is definitely at the top of my list, but I'm also torn between other quotes, RENT, hexagons, and something mathematically related. So far, the best idea I've been given was a phoenix feather, but I don't know what I'd put with it, really. I've thought, "Mischief managed," but that's an ending quote. Like, it's the end of the use of the map, it's how I personally ended the series (when I went to the last movie, I texted, "I solemnly swear I am up to no good," at the beginning, and "Mischief managed," at the end), and it kind of makes me sad.

I'd prefer something Marauders related, but I'm not sure how that will work (I've been reading Remus Lupin, Sirius Black, and Lily/James Potter quotes all evening). I'm loving the phoenix feather idea, but I'm not sure how to couple it. "Mischief managed," might be appropriate because of the phoenix's regeneration properties; thus, though the mischief is over for now, it will return. I'm torn.

I know it will be on my foot or ankle. My wrist will come much later. Haha. So, if there are any ideas floating around out there, let me know! Muchas gracias.

Spanish? Challenge Accepted

It's been a few days, huh?
I was trying to get on a schedule, bu life threw me a loop with this research project starting.

So far, it's a bit of a brain break, but I love it. It's a lot of math, a lot of combinatorial-style problems, and a lot of fun. Even if it leaves me wide awake at 2:48 a.m. with my laptop and a folder/notebook full of half-finished combinations. :) I thought about giving a rundown of what we're doing, but I'm not sure that'd be an interesting read, so I'm going to talk about something new I'm working on.

I have the most amazing opportunity I can imagine. One of my best friends is an international student from the Central American country of Honduras, and I have been invited to visit him for a week over the summer. With my research stipend, I have enough to purchase my plane ticket, and I will be staying with his family, so it's beginning to look like it actually may happen.

I have one slight problem. I speak muy poquito espanol (Gosh, I hope that grammar is correct. It's supposed to say very little Spanish), and if you haven't guessed, my grammar is atrocious. So I'm headed the library tomorrow to check out a., Spanish for Dummies, and b., the first three Harry Potter books in Spanish. I'm actually really excited.

One of these days, you'll see one of my Harry Potter rants, and it'll all make sense. I am a Harry Potter fanatic. Like, memorized the Sorting Hat's songs and prophecies fanatic. One of my best friends' little brother and I used to quiz each other all the time; my best friend since I was six sets aside certain times during our hang outs for Harry Potter-related debate (was Peter Pettigrew evil or just misunderstood?; Snily vs. Jily; etc.). I'm a die-hard Potterhead, and actually pretty proud of it. So reading it in a new language? Challenge accepted.

Rights and Freedoms

I am a human. I know a lot of other humans that have needs, wants, hopes and dreams; that feel all of the feels; and that want to meet, fall in love with, and marry other humans. As a human, I very much believe that all of the other humans and I are entitled to pursue these things. I don't understand how labeling these humans "male," "female," "gay," "straight," "bisexual," or "transgender" suddenly makes them less deserving of their HUMAN rights. (Answer: It doesn't.)

The fact that I am a straight Christian girl should have NO bearing on the above. 

Come baaaaaaack...

Warning: Mildly whiny and nostalgic post.

I miss my friends. I miss my friends. I MISS MY FRIENDS.

I'm staying on campus this summer for a research thing, and I'm thrilled about it. I enjoy having freedom and being in the "city" instead of half an hour away from everything... But campus is SUPER empty. I mean, I have a handful of friends/acquaintances around, and Tiff's still in town (which ROCKS because she's one of my really, really close friends), but the vast majority of my on-campus comrades are far away... :(

This was a really, really good semester, made up of Catan and Harry Potter and midnight math and IHOP and late nights and laughter and tears and friendship and love of the friendly variety and... I should probably take a breath. My point is that it was a really, really good year. Probably one of my favorites so far. To be honest, I wasn't entirely ready to see it end, which is partially why I'm pining for last August... And this August, though things are going to be different... We're all going to be in separate buildings doing separate things. One friend is going to Greek housing, another's moving to the suites/apartments. I'm a peer adviser in our freshman dorm, two others are in the International/Honors/Arts hall, and Tiff moved off-campus. We're all over the place, which means that things aren't just going to go back to normal when they come back... It's going to change.

I know change is good, but I'm the person who got frustrated when the "high" and "low" temperatures changed sides of the white board. I don't adapt well sometimes (I'm great at reacting to stimuli, but long term changes that distance me from those I love, well... I'm a bit resistant).

But more to the topic of this post... There's something special about having a close group of friends... About being able to be there for someone that has been there for you. About being accepted when you're on top of the world or when you're broke, stressed, and cranky. I am very, very blessed to have them in my life. This may sound crazy and sappy, but a "love you" or "thank you" from someone in that group (or from a family member) means so much more to me than one from a random stranger.

Family is the most important thing in life. Always. But sometimes you have those friends that blur the barrier a bit and become family... And thank God for them. I love you guys (you know who you are), and I will see you in August!

Culture Envy

I love going to international presentations. Absolutely love it. I have been privileged enough to hear an Indian graduate student talk about her country's marriage ceremonies, to hear a very dear Honduran friend discuss traditional dance garb while his roommate discussed the political setting in their country, and most recently, to listen to K-Pop boy bands and stare at delicious-looking Korean food under the guidance of an amazing Korea artis. They're all amazing- the cultures and the students. I can't fathom doing what they are. (I'm a total home-body, if you will).

Then after the presentations, when I begin to reflect on everything I have heard, I start to ponder American culture, and I come up short. America is the melting pot, the place where cultures blend and mix, and I am beyond thankful for that. I love being in a land where you can find new culture everywhere you look, even within a small city like my college town. But with that said, do we have anything that is actually ours? The "musical" genre began here, but musicals are entirely ignored or abhorred by a good portion of our nation. Our weddings range as widely as our inhabitants do, food changes from region to region [though I must say I love living in the barbecue region of the country ;) ], and movies and music are just as wide spread. I kind of start to ponder who we are as a nation, and I vaguely wonder what I would write if I ever had a presentation of that nature.

It is also weird to think that I don't know how America is viewed in the modern world. I've learned that in some countries, our accents are portrayed as being nasally, and you constantly hear cheeseburger jokes on XBox Live, but what else do you think of? I can't even begin to guess.

To me, America is this eclectic melting pot and a blessing, but wouldn't it be amazing to have something that ties us to BEING American or ties us together? 


Maybe there are things... Talk to me, blogosphere. I'd love to hear from you.

Operation Lockdown

I’ve become a pretty open book. There are probably two, perhaps three, areas of my life that I will not under any circumstances divulge. Otherwise, if you ask (and sometimes if you don’t), I’ll tell you almost anything you want to know. For real.

But I was talking to one of my friends today and was reminded that I can’t always be that open, because there are some things that you can’t trust people with. First off, no that person did not stab me in the back. We were talking about guys (what else, right?) and she was, like, “Make sure you’re careful with who you talk about this to.” It got me kind of worried, to the effect of, “Have I been saying a bunch of stuff about it that I don’t recall or mentioning it in mixed company?”

Her reply? “You always have to be more cautious than you think you do.” So, I really don’t know what kind of answer that was in regards to my question, but it was a useful one all the same. I’m considering pushing the issue further, but I’m not entirely sure. I guess this is really a short post, but it’s a reminder to myself because being cautious is something I’ve tried to leave behind. I used to be too cautious, and it left me seeming rude, disengaged, and overall snobby, when really I just didn’t want to embarrass myself. Now, though, I’ve gotten past that (mostly), but almost to an opposite extreme.

For the record, I’m also trying to reinforce the whole, “I will be the crazy pet rock lady,” into my head because, quite frankly, most guys are idiots… Kinda. I’m really blessed to have some awesome guy friends, and I’m trying to teach myself that if I have those kind of friends, you don’t need to enter the whole dating drama, because guy friends are just as awesome with much less emotional chaos attached. AND they’re the kind of people who give you hope that decent men exist. I know that may sound drastic, but after all the crap stories you hear about men, I’m glad to have made some friends that prove otherwise. So Caleb, Chris, Tim, Tom, Josh, Ozzy, and Zak (not that any of you will ever read this): THANK YOU for being my friends and for proving that not all guys are butt-heads. It’s encouraging to us single girls out there that there may be a decent guy show up yet (and I know I’m not the only one saying that, because I had this conversation last night with another single friend of mine).  

Unfortunately, that’s not working so far. I really, really, REALLY (I don’t think you can possibly understand how strong that really is) want to find a man that I am going to spend the rest of my life with. But for now, God, please help me be thankful for the amazing friends (guy and gal) I have, my family, and You, because I need those to be enough right now. Thank you. 

The Fish Tank of Life

Can you imagine being a fish?

I mean, really?

I think there are two types of fish. I know you can argue freshwater versus saltwater versus estuary inhabitants, but really, there are just two types: those stuck in a tank, and those swimming free. You could use this analogy with almost any domesticated animal, but I think fish are the best examples. Cats, dogs, horses, etc., can often live in environments that mix the two – horses have pastures instead of being stuck in a stable, dogs can run around town or out in the country much like their wild counterparts, and cats are often outdoor pets, living in barns and hunting to survive. I also seriously considered birds, but there’s so much variety there that I couldn’t justify it. You have flying birds and grounded birds and aquatic birds… They’re different enough that they almost deserve separate qualifications. Fish are fish. Some are carnivores, some are herbivores, and they live in different depths, but there is one striking similarity: they all live in the water.

I read someone else’s blog post today, and it was all about being the best, and I was thinking, “Hm… What’s something I’ve been thinking about lately that can be kinda philosophical?” Then I looked at my fish tank (I have two betta fish named Haku- from Spirited Away- and Howl- from Howl’s Moving Castle. They live in a divided tank, and they’re absolutely beautiful to watch.), and it hit me.

I’ve been in this constant turmoil about my major and what kind of job I want to work in, and I can TOTALLY relate to the blog I read about wanting to be the best, because I do. I really do. I could go into the debate of being the best versus being my best, but I feel like they both approach the same thing. Once you reach your best at that moment, you find that you can always be better, because there is always someone out there that is greater than you, and if you keep learning, you’ll get closer and closer to being the best because your best will just keep growing. Does that make sense? So yes, I believe in being your best, but even that’s not a solid goal because you are always changing, and the best you can be at one moment is not necessarily the best you can be… Ever.

I’m afraid of being the fish that’s trapped in the tank. I don’t want to be that betta that sits in its little environment never knowing that there’s an entire ocean out there to explore. I don’t want to see the same dragon tears and fish flakes every day for the rest of my life. I want to go out and swim where my life may take me, in spite of the sharks, misleading currents, and murky depths I encounter. If I live in my fish tank, it’s a lot safer to just exist, but I’m too easily bored. But I do like the security of knowing that I have a fish tank and some blood worms with my name on them. I want to find a career where I can mix my ocean and my fish tank, kind of like a clown fish with its anemone. I wanna just keep swimming, swimming, swimming… But always have a place to come home to that I know is home. Now I just have to find a major that will put me in a field where that exists. If anyone has any ideas, let me know.

P.S. Judging by my view of fish, I’m thinking marine biology’s not the way to go. XP 

Some New Lessons

I actually began considering this blog when I realized how much I've already learned or begun to learn in the last month. Yeah, I've been a college student for almost a month. It's a bit scary. I would preface this with a little about myself, but that can wait, I think .For now, I just want to talk about lessons. I can't promise I've learned how to put these lessons into practice, but they are things I've realized or been taught.

1. I need to look up more; where you look when you walk tends to correlate with your opinions of yourself. Looking up helps you feel better about yourself or conversely, the better you feel about yourself, the more you look up.
2. It is ok to let your hair down. You don't have to be Miss Serious all the time, even when you're in public. That just makes people think you dislike them or are a killjoy. It's okay to laugh, joke, and be silly around other people, even if you don't know them very well. 
3. Dancing's the most fun when you pretend no one is looking.
4. Guy friends are the best, sometimes. They're really good at making you laugh or smile without meaning to, and they'd be really useful to have when you need to kill wasps.
5. God hears you. Lately I've felt like my prayers were going to the ceiling, but when you earnestly seek Him, he will answer.
6. Notation is important in Calculus, and Dr. Poet will take major points if you don't use it properly.
7. Meeting people really isn't as scary as it seems. It's okay to sit down, say hi to strangers (though not creepers) and invite them to talk to or play games with you; you really don't seem as weird as you think you do. Sometimes, they'll say yes. Other times, they'll think you're nuts.
8. When people think you're nuts, it's okay, because you very well might be. But it's you, and there's no reason to hide it for their benefit. Maybe they could use the companionship too. 
9. Laughter really can be the cure all, but chocolate never hurts.
10. You should actually be friends with sleep. It helps when you have class in the morning.
11. You have to believe you're beautiful or sexy before someone else does. Looking down on yourself accomplishes nothing.
12. Scotch tape does not hold paint-coated posterboard up. Period.
13. Ratslap is best played in the basement after quiet hours. Getting yelled at is no fun.
14. Homecooked food, even if it's just mac 'n' cheese is sometimes exactly what he doctor ordered.
15. Being involved doesn't make you look like a dweeb, and if someone thinks so, then it's their loss. Don't not do things just because people might find them silly. You want involved friends anyway.
16. If you like a guy, don't be nervous around him. Yes, I knew I shouldn't act nervous, but I always was. Now I'm realized that they're just people. Whatever happens happens.
17. People can be stupid, but you'd be lost without them in your life.

So... Yeah. There's something you can know about me that I either didn't know or wasn't willing to practice 'til I got here. And I'm not entirely good at them all yet, but I'm hoping to get closer. Oh, and seventeen's one of my two favorite numbers. This was originally 20, but I liked 17 better.